ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
selena gomez
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system