[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
.. do you even science?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates