Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Damn he played himself
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to