Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Cinematography is my passion
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to