INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]