Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
6: are snakes just neck?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.