Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I think my mom just blocked me
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
mariah carrie
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Tough love is true love
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]