[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
You Might Also Like
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
saving face 👀
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.