:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Meowchelangelo
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.