I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE