After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
She: I like Cats
He:
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.