A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider