“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
You Might Also Like
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
shit just got real
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this