My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair