Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.