I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.