Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.