[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.