Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.