@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: Kate's new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
@TeaAndCopy: My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I've chosen a goat.
@TeaAndCopy: ME: I'll see you in a month
WIFE: Don't forget to write
ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon
@TeaAndCopy: ME: Excuse me…Where's the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you'll what?
@TeaAndCopy: Punctuality is important. It's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he's already done it.
@TeaAndCopy: ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
ME: Oh I didn't see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I'm…I'm not sure
@TeaAndCopy: [Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I'm here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I'm here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in