The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
So glad we cleared that up
a badder mouse
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.