They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Finally
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.