[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Tastes like chicken.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom