The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”