The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
A classic…
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.