Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.