Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Oh the world we live in…
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Jurassic park gets weird
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.