If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Thinking about Jeff
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.