If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me trying to “trust the process”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff