Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
an airline just for babies.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da