Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I have many caverns
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!