Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Yup
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids: