CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.