Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It鈥檚 not the dress, it鈥檚 the woman wearing it.
Me: 馃槉
16: So you鈥檙e pretty much screwed, I don鈥檛 know what to tell you.
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you鈥檙e not fooling anyone, we all know you鈥檝e doing Community Service.
Oh hi lol
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today鈥檚 repast was magnifiqu茅
MCDONALD鈥橲 CASHIER: what
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That鈥檚 bread
Jesus: It鈥檚 a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you鈥檝e been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I鈥檓 being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It鈥檚 easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.