What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?