This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
All. The. Damn. Time.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.