The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
my proudest tweet
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.