Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”