Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexP's best tweets

@TheAlexP : Does laundry while drinking *somehow washes a lampshade

@TheAlexP: Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@TheAlexP: Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

@TheAlexP: * Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

@TheAlexP: There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@TheAlexP: [at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

@TheAlexP: How'd you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

@TheAlexP: Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@TheAlexP: *drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you're doing?

I'm a sexy fireman, rawr.