@TheAlexP: [at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor?
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
@TheAlexP: How'd you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
@TheAlexP: Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
@TheAlexP: *drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you're doing?
I'm a sexy fireman, rawr.
@TheAlexP: If you're charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
@TheAlexP: [at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
@TheAlexP: Her: How'd you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*