Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexP's best tweets

@TheAlexP : [at bank] Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

@TheAlexP: Her: How'd you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

@TheAlexP: *returns copy of "how to stop procrastinating" at high school reunion*

@TheAlexP: [At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

@TheAlexP: *dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it's late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

@TheAlexP: [Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

@TheAlexP: [first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@TheAlexP: * hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

@TheAlexP: [Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

@TheAlexP: *brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.