@TheAlexP: Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
@TheAlexP: Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
@TheAlexP: [at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor?
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
@TheAlexP: How'd you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
@TheAlexP: Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
@TheAlexP: *drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you're doing?
I'm a sexy fireman, rawr.