Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexP's best tweets

@TheAlexP : There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@TheAlexP: [at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

@TheAlexP: How'd you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*


@TheAlexP: Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@TheAlexP: *drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you're doing?

I'm a sexy fireman, rawr.

@TheAlexP: If you're charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

@TheAlexP: [at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

@TheAlexP: Her: How'd you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

@TheAlexP: *returns copy of "how to stop procrastinating" at high school reunion*