Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
step 6: release the wall snake
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear