ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…