serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I have so many questions.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
yeah 😭
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Finally
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.