my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Something Saturday.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.