Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
when you order from DoorDastardly
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”