Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.