@TheBoydP: I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don't know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
@TheBoydP: [Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
@TheBoydP: Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
@TheBoydP: Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
@TheBoydP: I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
@TheBoydP: Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
@TheBoydP: Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
@TheBoydP: Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
@TheBoydP: Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.