Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheBoydP's best tweets

@TheBoydP : Like my wife always says, just because I've never seen it before doesn't mean I didn't lose it.

@TheBoydP: My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@TheBoydP: Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

@TheBoydP: Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it's sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it's cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

@TheBoydP: Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@TheBoydP: Guys! I've learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

@TheBoydP: All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

@TheBoydP: [Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

@TheBoydP: You say "I ate so much that I'm too full to drink now" I say "poor planning"...

@TheBoydP: The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.