Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheBoydP's best tweets

@TheBoydP : Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

@TheBoydP: You know it's a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

@TheBoydP: Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

@TheBoydP: I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

@TheBoydP: "No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key..."

~Dogs probably

@TheBoydP: Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

@TheBoydP: Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

@TheBoydP: I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

@TheBoydP: Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

@TheBoydP: Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.