Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheBoydP's best tweets

@TheBoydP : My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

@TheBoydP: So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

@TheBoydP: How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it's four.

@TheBoydP: Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

@TheBoydP: Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

@TheBoydP: Don't you hate noticing that an office memo says it's for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

@TheBoydP: I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

@TheBoydP: The guy who first said "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

@TheBoydP: I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I'm not just goofing off.

@TheBoydP: I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.