Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheCatWhisprer's best tweets

@TheCatWhisprer : Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

@TheCatWhisprer: No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

@TheCatWhisprer: I don't like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

@TheCatWhisprer: I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

@TheCatWhisprer: I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

@TheCatWhisprer: Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

@TheCatWhisprer: You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

@TheCatWhisprer: Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

@TheCatWhisprer: All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

@TheCatWhisprer: I don't like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.