Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheCatWhisprer's best tweets

@TheCatWhisprer : Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

@TheCatWhisprer: All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

@TheCatWhisprer: I don't like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

@TheCatWhisprer: My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we're going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

@TheCatWhisprer: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

@TheCatWhisprer: Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

@TheCatWhisprer: Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

@TheCatWhisprer: I don't think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

@TheCatWhisprer: There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.