@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
@TheCatWhisprer: I've never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn't Prime Eligible.
@TheCatWhisprer: You know you're getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn't say anything back.
@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
@TheCatWhisprer: No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
@TheCatWhisprer: My iPhone won't even recognize my fingerprint unless it's got crumbs on it.
@TheCatWhisprer: Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.