Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheCatWhisprer's best tweets

@TheCatWhisprer : [on a date] Okay don't let her know you're a cat fanatic. Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder? Me: HE'S JUST A FRIEND.

@TheCatWhisprer: I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

@TheCatWhisprer: My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

@TheCatWhisprer: Pics or it didn’t happen... unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

@TheCatWhisprer: Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

@TheCatWhisprer: No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

@TheCatWhisprer: I don't like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

@TheCatWhisprer: I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

@TheCatWhisprer: I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.