@TheCatWhisprer: I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they're too tight and they're already unbuttoned.
@TheCatWhisprer: Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it's a dead body.
@TheCatWhisprer: [fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
@TheCatWhisprer: Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn't hurt when I burp.
@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
@TheCatWhisprer: [trying to stop my toddler's tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don't cut it out right now then there's nothing else I can do
@TheCatWhisprer: STUNTMAN ON TV: don't try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok