I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.