*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
There’s only one good girl here!