Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Unexpected Judgment
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
o shit
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.