I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Cat is stressing him out.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?