@TheDailySchmuck: 1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.
2016: *watching cat videos*
@TheDailySchmuck: *makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
@TheDailySchmuck: Top Five Creepy Things:
5) Dark and stormy nights
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake
@TheDailySchmuck: I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.
Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
@TheDailySchmuck: *wakes up after all night party*
How did I get on this escalator?
@TheDailySchmuck: I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they're in their 20s and don't know what phones used to look like.
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant]
Cop: You're under arrest.
Me: What's the charge?
Cop: a salt and buttery.
@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."