earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Coffee for people with no kids
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No